30th Jan, 2016
At 2.45am this morning, sister Abby called me to review a patient.
Now judging by the time you would assume that if a patient comes in at such an ungodly hour, it would be because she was bleeding profusely from a broken limb crushed by a moving car, or she coughed out a pint of blood after swallowing a fishing hook, or her hair got caught in the microwave….. Oooh I used to be so naïve!
I slipped my dainty feet into my clogs, Luckily I wasn’t yet asleep so my movement wasn’t grudging, strolled to the consulting room.
A young healthy looking lady walked into my consulting room… Emphasis on healthy looking, not in any obvious distress…
She apparently came in with a young man who was curled up in fetal position in the reception, already snoring with Morpheus. She reeked of smoke and alcohol but did not appear inebriated. They were obviously coming back from some serious clubbing but… no judging!
“Soo what’s the problem ma’am?” Let’s hear it.
“Uhh doctor, I have a slight headache, umm catarrh, maybe a little cough…” You don’t say!
“In fact, I think I’m going to be really ill.” No kidding. She gave a couple more shady complaints and then went on to adopt what she assumed was a look of pain… Failing woefully and adopting more a look of chronic constipation.
I looked at her baldly and told her we would run a couple of tests and give her appropriate medications to take home...
She immediately blanched!
“Absolutely not! I am too unwell to drive, I have to be admitted. I mean for Pete’s sakes can’t you, a Doctor, see that” she swept an imperious hand across her face to emphasize how unwell she was!
By now it was pretty obvious what this was about but seriously, private practice or not I’ll be damned if I let some snotty patient manipulate me.
“Ma’am, I’m aware you came here with someone” I informed her calmly, I’m sure he can drive you home!”
She looked at me like I was crazy, her expression said how inane can this Doctor be, she looked like she was on the verge of asking if I dropped out… “Cant you see he’s to far gone to drive me? She screeched, flicking lime green acrylic nails at my eyes.
Then came the tantrums…
“This has gone on too long! I am unwell and I want to be admitted, my company pays a lot of money to this hospital, you have no right to deny me treatment! I’ll inform my HR, I want to see the manager here…..”
I tuned out the rest of the oyster poop she was spouting!
I could stay there, argue with her some more, listen to her tantrums….. I could dance to her tune and go back to bed, then kill myself in the morning, or …. I could Deal with her the “Mellie bitch” way! Hmmm. Decisions… decisions…
I handed her over to Nurse Abby, she was a specialist in mellie bitchiness!
“We have several rooms ma’am, Nurse abby purred, but I recommend the platinum suites because you deserve the best. We’ll get you a hot meal of your choice and prepare a hot tub for you, even if it’s 2am in the morning, but not a problem at all ma’am because your comfort is the sole reason we exist!”
I have no idea how on earth how all that went over her head! Must be all the loud music and cigarette smoke. I mean if someone is that nice to me at 2am in the morning I’ll stick a needle in her palm to make sure she’s not deflatable...
Miss mayhem was too far gone to notice, she threw me a look that said , that’s how its done and huffed away to her platinum room. I smiled a small smile… She had nooo idea!!!
She actually ordered pepper soup that night! Lool.
Come morning, and Miss mayhem was all smiles. Her smile for me seemed to say I’m ready to forgive you now, Mine said … Babe a se fun e!
“I’m fine now doctor, I think I’m good to go. I would like to be discharged this morning.”
Nurse Abby presented her with a bill, she was required to sign it as she would have 25% deducted from her salary. Her bill came up to 176,000 Naira. I watched the natural progression of her smile, it had a real short half life. My chin dimpled.
“Whats this about? I was here for just one night!”
The details of the bill are well explained ma’am. I presume you can read?
She glared at her “of-course I can read you idiot!
Why am I being charged 60k for a room?
What do you guys think you are? Oriental!
Pepper soup for 6k? Haba, is it going to make my boobs bigger!
Why on earth is nursing care 35k, what did you guys do for me, and
What the hell is specialist care? What on earth!
All I got from her was rudeness. I wasn’t even all that ill!
For Pete’s sake if I had stayed in a hotel I would have gotten way better treatment and payed less than this.. This… This is preposterous!”
(Ever notice how people tend to use bigger words when angry?)
Ohh well, the truth finally came out!
“The details of the bill are well explained ma’am”, Nurse Abby reiterated! “If you didn’t need medical care, you should have stayed in a hotel!
This is not a bed and breakfast!”
With that she clicked her heels and went to get security.
Image Credit: Internet